The three year mark

When I first came up with this idea of blogging our fertility journey, I never imagined I would be sitting here in December still telling you about all of our ups and downs, how God has spoken to me, and every detail of our lives. However, here I am. Here I am on post #35.

I also never imagined the encouragement and response that we have been getting. There are so many more people praying for us, and it has given me the opportunity to pray for others that are going through this journey as well. People that I would have never known about until I started sharing through the blog. Thank you to the few who read weekly, even when I don't post a link on social media! 

Earlier this week, I posted on facebook that I was going to be selling hymn crafts to raise money for our IVF journey.  4 out of 5 of the ones I posted went quickly, then messages with request for others! It means so much that people are not only praying for us, but are willing to help us get there financially too. 

Next week makes 3 years exactly since this journey started. In December of 2017 was when I had my IUD taken out for us to try to start a family of our own. I also didn't imagine I would be sitting at this 3 year mark without a little one in our arms. What is so sad to me is that there are couples who have been patient for so much longer than three years. Where do they find their hope? How do they make it through emotionally and mentally? I hope their answer is JESUS! After all he is the reason for the season and everything else too! 

With this being said, I am going to take a break over the holidays from blogging! I will see y'all in 2021! 

As we all look forward to 2021, try not to forget the good that has happened in 2020. Honestly, the best thing that has happened to me in 2020 is that I've grown in my relationship with Jesus more and more. I hope this year has brought that for you as well! 

Dear God, 

I pray for all of those who are struggling to see something positive out of 2020. I pray that they would recognize the things that you've been doing in midst of the hardships we've all been seeing or facing. I pray for 2021. That it would bring peace! That people would be overwhelmed with your presence in their lives. I pray for the ones struggling with infertility. It can be so hard to make it through the holidays with seeing children everywhere. I pray that they would not feel forgotten or unloved, but that you would wrap your arms around them. Surround them with your love! I pray that they would continue to put their hope and trust in you no matter what the outcome of the journey! Thank you for what you have done and what you are doing in our lives. Forgive us when we doubt your love and power! In Jesus Name, Amen! 

Choosing Joy Daily

 At the Church we've been visiting, they just wrapped up a sermon series called Choosing Joy. In this series we went through the book of Philippians. Today, I really want to share a piece of my notes from one of the sermons. 

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness[a] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

• Not to worry, but pray.. is a command! 
• PRAYER should be as natural as BREATHING! 

These two notes that are sitting in my journal, I have thought about all week. I keep asking myself, if prayer is that natural to me? I'll admit, I feel like I haven't been as prayerful as I should be lately. And honestly, it is just due to me putting my time and effort elsewhere. I have challenged myself to try to be more natural, intentional about praying throughout the day. Am I too much of a worrier? Does my worrying show that I lack trust in God? 

Do we choose joy daily? Do we worry too much? Do we pray as natural as we breathe? Praying that my heart continues to reflect and grow, and trust God more daily not only in our infertility, but in all aspects of life. 

Count Your Blessings!

 We made it to Thanksgiving Week! It seemed like we would never actually make it this far in 2020. So much negative has happened in 2020, but I really hope we all take this time to really focus on the great things God has done for us this year! When I was younger, every year at Thanksgiving we would go around the table and name just one thing we were thankful for. I always loved listening to what everyone would share and hoped that no one would steal whatever my answer was! 

What am I thankful for? Well, many things! Thanksgiving always reminds me of the old hymn Count Your Blessings! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3ypf_KmlZE

When upon life's billows you are tempest tost, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, Count your blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done! 

Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessing see what God has done! Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your many blessing see what God has done! 

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly, and you will be singing as the days go by. 

Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessing see what God has done! Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your many blessing see what God has done! ....

Are you ever discouraged thinking all is lost? Are we ever burdened with a load of care? Is our cross heavy to bear? How many of us are facing these questions this year? 

"My brothers, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

This Thanksgiving are we thankful for the trials 2020 has brought? 

I am thankful for: Jesus, The Word of God, My husband, My family (immediate and beyond), our jobs, my coworkers, a boss who is so understanding, our new home, the part of our trial that has brought my relationship with Jesus closer, our doctor & nurses & everyone at ART, the ability to encourage others through the blog, christian music, devotionals/books that have helped me cope during our trial, and so much more! 

Dear God, 

I pray that you would help us to be thankful even during the hardships we face in life! Help us to see the good you are doing through the trial. Help us to feel your presence beside us as we endure. Help us to feel your compassion and mercy Lord. I pray we'd remember the great hardship that your Son endured for us, of dying on the cross and saving us from our sins. I pray we'd encourage one another, lift each other up when we are down. Even if we don't have the right words, that we have the courage to just pray with them. Help us to have patience in the waiting! AMEN! 

The HEART

Last week I shared that we had decided to pursue a round of IVF in hopes of that working for us to have a baby. I called the doctor to make the initial appointment and he didn't have an opening until JANUARY 18th. The bad thing about this date is that it is two months away, the good thing is that it falls on a holiday. So I don't have to take a day off in order to go to the appointment. Here is what we know so far: I will have to have another HSG (The procedure where they check to see if your tubes are blocked), and some other test done a certain amount of time out before we can actually start the true process. So this part of the journey is kind of at a stand still until our appointment with the doctor. Secondly, I made an appointment to see my regular OBGYN while we are waiting for the 18th of Jan, and he didn't have an appointment open either until the first week of January. CRAZY! 

So where are our heads with all of this? 

My head is in a what if state...what if it doesn't work kind of state? What would happen then? Well, I have really been trying to get this out of my head. We can only take one step at a time, and trust that the doctors are helping us make the right decision. 

Where is my heart at? 

Well...my heart is deeply trying to lay everything at the feet of Jesus, to let go and let God! I feel as if I am failing daily just because I want to be in control and know the outcome before we even start. 

What are we told about our hearts in the Bible? 

Create in my a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all our mind." Matthew 22:37

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

There are so many verses that reference the heart! So, we are to ask for a clean heart when we go against God. We can draw near to God when we are brokenhearted. We must love God with all our heart. Our true joy comes from God. So where is your heart right now? 

Tonight Lord, I pray that you would gives us clean hearts. Help us to love you with ALL of our heart, every single piece. I pray that we would draw near to you not only during the struggles, but during the times that are wonderful too. I pray that we would praise you no matter the circumstance we find ourselves in right now. Amen. 

Just a Journey Update: Decision Made

Decisions...decisions...decisions! 

Over the past couple of weeks, Brandon and I have had random discussions about the possibility of doing IVF. Well, we didn't make a decision until tonight. We are continuing to pray that we have made the correct decision. As I stated last week, just praying that our wants our aligned with His. So with IVF, it entails so many things; lots of money, medicine, test, doctor's appointments, procedures, surgery, etc. This actual process of IVF will probably not actually happen until closer to the summer, because a lot of things build up to it. 

We will be calling the doctor's office to discuss first steps to take.  Again, I just ask for your prayers. Prayers that we made the right decision, prayers that we will be able to handle the financial aspect, prayers that we are able to make it through each part of it successfully, prayers that the end result is a healthy pregnancy and baby. 

Be strong and let your heart take courage, all who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24

I trust in God at all times. I pour my heart before Him; God is a refuge for me. Psalm 62:8

Rise up (Lazarus) by CAIN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw8IgPHRBr4

Run to the Father by Cody Carnes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcpeLDp0Foo

The Tough Questions

 I recently had a friend that asked me a really tough question. Before I tell you what that question was, I want to share this song. 

More Than Enough- Jesus Culture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8D5-YOBK0 

Question: Is Jesus Enough? If He is all I had, is He enough for me?

WOW! What a question. My first reaction is yes of course Jesus is enough! Well let’s take this question a little further… If we never have children, is Jesus enough? If we never grow our family beyond us, is Jesus enough? If we never give our parents grandchildren, is Jesus enough for all of us? 

I am almost in tears typing this because it just hits me so deeply. If Jesus is enough, then why can’t I totally surrender everything that is going on in our lives to Him? Is the path I am on the same one God wants me on? Am I taking what the Lord has blessed me with and using it to further His Kingdom? 

All I ask is you take these questions..plug in whatever you are struggling with...and reflect! And then pray! 

Our Journey update: 

We did not share our most recent part of the journey with many people. Since our miscarriage we have already been back to the doctor for another round of fertility meds, and IUI. Once again, our numbers were perfect (probably even better than last time). Our results were negative again. It was the hurt of the miscarriage was at us all over again when we got the negative. Scientifically, everything should have worked this past round. I ask that you continue to pray for us as we decide what is next with our journey. Do we use the last IUI we have covered by our insurance? Do we start saving money again for IVF? What I can tell you, is that we pray often that God’s will for us is to have a biological child. But here we go again with the question….if it isn’t in His plan, is He enough? 

A Story of Hope Week 3: His Grace is Sufficient

For the ones of you who know my family, you also know that I am just like my mom! Everywhere we go, "Oh, I can tell that's your mom." Or other people in our family tell me you act just like your mom. Brandon reminds me often, "You are just like your mom." Well today, is my mom's story of loss to wrap up the pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I take it as a compliment every time someone tells me I am like my mom! She is one of the strongest Christian women I know and was the best mom I could have ever asked for, for me and Whitney. However, this is one story, one part of our lives, that I never thought I'd have in common with her. Before Whitney, and between me and Whitney, there were losses. Here is her story: 

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The year was 1986. It seems like a lifetime ago.  It seems like just yesterday.  Eddie and I had been married for less than a year.  We were surprised, but excited, when we knew I was pregnant.  That joy was replaced with sadness and grief when, a few weeks later, I was told that I had miscarried.  We mourned the loss of our baby, and doctor appointment after doctor appointment yielded additional frustration and heartache.  What was wrong?  What was the next step? Why, after several months, had my cycles not started again? The answer came on April 1, 1987.  I woke up very early in the morning with what I thought were severe stomach cramps.  The cramps continued and the pain escalated.  Without being too graphic, then came the blood.  The situation escalated to the point that we called my OBGYN, and he said to meet him at the emergency room.  Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I began hemorrhaging.  It turned out that I was in full labor.  It was determined that our baby, though not growing, was in the pregnancy sac which had been attached to the lining of my stomach for the last several months.  Our baby was born with no distinguishable features and no distinguishable limbs, but our baby, nonetheless. The doctor showed me the baby and asked if I knew what “it” was.  Of course, I did! He went and got Eddie and had both of us look, but not hold, him/her.  The baby was then placed in a bag that read “pathology” and given to the nurse who exited the room.   That was it.  The doctor then returned to what would be the next steps for me. After I was stable, I was sent home to spend a week in bed.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God tells us that His grace is sufficient, and that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  I can tell you that I walked out of the hospital that day under HIS strength, not my own. It was God who gave us comfort.  He is merciful. He is faithful.  In February 1988, we had a healthy baby girl.  However, in March of 1990, I miscarried again.  I had not even seen the doctor for my first appointment.  I remember lying on the couch with a box of Kleenex and crying for hours as I watched a telethon to raise money to help children with disabilities.  However, 16 months later, we had another beautiful baby girl.  In Isaiah 43:10, God says, “…I will strengthen you.  I will give you help.  I WILL HOLD ON TO YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND.”  Wow! What a promise!  I know God was holding on to me as I grieved the loss of our babies and as I rejoiced at the birth of our girls.  He wants to hold on to you, too.  Let Him.

A Story of Hope Week 2: Trust Him

Once again, this weeks story is someone very close to me! I am so thankful for her sharing her story! TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART! 

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My relationship with the Lord started very early (age 8) and cruised through teenager hood and young adult hood. I am a first born, see the world in black and white mostly, my family would call me a perfectionist. My “faith” was what was expected of me and so I obeyed and believed more because that’s what was right than because I loved and trusted God. God would use my miscarriages to expose my heart. 

I married my high school sweetheart and we easily grew our family to 5 within 7 years of marriage. My first 3 pregnancies were easily conceived, easily carried, and easily delivered. But my fourth pregnancy would rock my world. I assumed that the fourth time around would go just as the first 3 had gone. Until one day, 14 weeks in, I miscarried. I was shocked and devastated. I immediately got pregnant again, one cycle later, and at 11 weeks, lost that baby too. At this point, the crack in the foundation of my faith became an avalanche. I had never in my life prayed for something the way I prayed for those 11 weeks. I simply could not understand why God would give us a child to take it away. People tried to comfort me with platitudes like “God was protecting you” or it was a blessing because “something might have been wrong” (really?) Then I immediately got pregnant again, on the very next cycle. This time I was under the care of the physicians at ART. And nothing looked good on ultrasound or testing. I spent the first 14 weeks seeing a doctor every week that prepared me for the worst, once even asking me if I wanted to just abort and try again.  It wasn’t until my 20 week appt that they finally gave me hope that this baby might live. And live he did, after 3 girls, we finally had a beautiful baby boy. 

I had my baby, but my faith was in shambles. How did God refuse my other prayers? How can I love a God who takes away what he gives? This was a side of God and a side of me that I had never experienced before. And so I froze. I didn’t quit believing: I believed. Never doubted really, that God was God. That he was who he said he was. That I was a sinner, in need of a savior and that savior is Jesus. But I froze- I quit praying, I quit searching, I quit trying to interact with God because now I knew He can and will hurt me. And I told no one. But living that way wasn’t sustainable. I finally opened up to my husband. And I read a few books. And I finally heard God’s voice- and this is what I hear: “Do you trust me? Am I your God even if I hurt you and don’t make sense to you?” My husband said to me that God cares so much about my soul and my eternity, that He is willing to sacrifice my comfort and expectations here in this life for the eternal. And that’s when it clicked for me- all of this was my moment to choose- am I going to trust Him, no matter what, or not? 

My faith is no longer just because it’s right. I know the One who loves my babies more than I do. He holds my babies in heaven while I hold the ones here. I know the One who loves me more than I love Him. Who loved me so much, he let me walk through this pain just so I would draw closer to Him and solidify my faith to be borne out of love and not obligation. 

I don’t know how God is trying to get your attention. But I do know that He is working in any situation in your life, good or bad, to draw you to Him. He loves you that much. Trust Him. No matter what, trust Him. Even when it’s hard. Even when it doesn’t make sense. Even when it hurts. Because He is the best thing. Better than anything this life holds for us. Even our children. 

A Story of Hope Week 1: Glory to God through the Storm

This week's post is a little different. Today I am sharing a story of someone near and dear to my heart! AKA My birthday twin (cousin)! I hope you'll take the time to read her story of loss, faith, and encouragement. -Katey 

Glory to God through the Storm:

Hi friends! My name is LeighAnn and this is my story of sorrow and loss that God redeemed and made even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. 

In 2016 my husband and I had been married for four years and at the beginning of the year I had this burning desire inside of me to become a mom! I prayed and I prayed and I knew that God was calling me to motherhood. You should know that I am a youth pastor and had been for many years when I felt this calling into motherhood and if you have ever taken a strengths finder test then you will understand me when I say positivity is my number 1 trait. I had so much hope and joy in my heart when I finally approached my husband and began asking him when we could begin trying for our first baby. 

Three months into trying and after returning home from a mission week in Mobile with my church kids I got the positive test!! YES! SO SO SO EXCITED I called my mom and my friend Barbie and shared the news with them. That afternoon I ended up buying two more tests to “be sure” and when they were positive I went to the store to buy a gift to share with my husband. I was so so sure, full of hope, and we were going to be parents! THANK YOU JESUS! 

Shortly after finding out we were pregnant I called the doctors office where I had had my annual the year before and the office where my sister-in-law went. They scheduled me for an ultrasound and a blood draw the next week. Let me just stop here to say that I had NEVER had my blood drawn before and at 28 years old the only thing I was afraid of was the needle. Not the ultrasound. My husband joined me and we held hands as the tech found 2 little sacs! SAY WHAT!!! However, when we saw the nurse practitioner she explained that they saw the sacs and one fetal pole but that it was too “early” to detect a heartbeat. I was 7 weeks at the time of my first appointment according to my last period. 

We were scheduled to comeback on August 31st but for some reason my husband wasn’t able to join me that morning. I had had a little cramping and just felt off but google suggested it was my ligaments stretching so I didn’t have any worries. I had been at my friend DeeDee’s house that week and she told me that it didn’t sound right and she would call her son that is an OB if I wanted but the miss positivity that I am didn’t think anything of it. At my appointment I was 9 weeks and when the tech couldn’t find a heartbeat this time my heart sank. It broke, but I didn’t really understand. The fetal pole and one sac was still there. The tech wouldn’t tell me anything and said my practitioner would have to talk to me. I waited in the lobby of the office for a whole hour after that waiting to see the practitioner. 

That was the loneliest hour of my life-one pregnant mama after another was called back after I waited and waited. Sure I had heard of miscarriage but I never thought in a million years that it would be me. Honestly, I just didn’t comprehend what was happening. When I finally saw the practitioner all she said was that “it wasn’t looking good.” She never used the word miscarriage and said that they would do a series of blood draws the following week on Monday and Wednesday to check my HCG levels. 

I had to wait what seemed like forever in a limbo-I had announced my pregnancy on Facebook already and 635 likes later it seemed like the whole world was celebrating too. I had two little pepperoni’s on this teeny pizza to represent our possible twin pregnancy! It was so joyous-but then again-miscarriage wasn’t something that had even crossed my mind-to me this pregnancy was the pinnacle of all I had ever hoped, dreamed, endured. All of the pain that I had ever experienced would be wiped away by becoming a mother- I seriously prayed out loud over and over-God protect my baby-give my baby life! 

Then Labor Day- literally- I work for a teen ministry and we have our biggest event of the year-I was the second in command for the weekend and my boss was so gracious- he offered for me to stay home- to rest- but y’all, I am no quitter. I thought if I stayed home then the enemy would win! We packed everything up and to Anniston, AL we went as a team. I was expecting a phone call from the doctors office about my blood results and it never came. For 4 whole days I ministered to students who were so so excited about my pregnancy because you know, I had already told the whole world. I was drained mentally and physically. My body still felt pregnant, the nausea was so strong… Then, Jonathan and Lisa Moore, our worship leaders for the weekend sang the song “No Longer Slaves” by Zach Williams. No worship song has ever pierced my heart so deeply. Am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant? What is happening to my body? It didn’t matter- I am a CHILD of God! I am not afraid-God is carrying me. 

It wasn’t until Tuesday afternoon that I finally got the call from the doctor’s office. She said that my numbers were declining slowly. She also said that perhaps the other “sac” on the ultrasound was a possible subchorionic hemorrhage. She said that I could come in for a followup visit if I wanted to. That was it y’all! I had no idea what was what-what was supposed to happen. Then nothing did happen. A week passed and nothing. At this point I should have been 11 weeks pregnant. I remembered what DeeDee had said and I called her crying one afternoon. She prayed for me and called her son. 

I switched to his office and Leo and I went in for an ultrasound around 12 weeks to see what was going on. In his office he zoomed in on the ultrasound and explained that I was experiencing a missed miscarriage (abortion is the medical term they give to this) and my body was holding onto the fetal tissue and why I was still experiencing the nausea and pregnancy symptoms. The next week he had me scheduled for a D&C. 

So in a matter of weeks, the 28 year old woman who had never given blood was prepped for her first surgery to remove the remains of my precious child that I would never know this side of heaven. I was devastated yet prayerful. On September 14th my parents drove to Columbus to be with me and my husband during the surgery. My Daddy held me and prayed for me before they took me back. I remember waking up and telling all of the nursing staff just how great God was. I was sooooo terrified and heartbroken but God carried me through the surgery. 

The months that followed were some of the darkest months of my life. Thoughts of “will I ever be a mom” to “God why did you give me this” to “This happened to me because I did this thing” attacks of the enemy- postpartum hormones. ALL of it swirling in me. I would work with my ministry kids until I was exhausted everyday and come home and sleep. One dark night I remember just feeling like God had abandoned me- this was in November and I felt that God wasn’t there. I downloaded the song “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott. It was on repeat- all of the things she shares pierced my heart. Sobbing and sobbing I cried out over and over to God to carry me. True heartbreak is what I experienced. My husband came home to find me inconsolable. He just held me. Something about that “dark night” helped me move forward. I decided that my sweet baby was a little boy and I named him Riley James. I would see him when I get to heaven and we would rejoice. I still didn’t know what the future held but I was praying for a Christmas miracle. 

I finally got my period back in November and the doctor said that we could start trying again whenever I wanted so we did. On December 20th 2016 I found that that I was pregnant. I had charted my cycles using my ovia app and the first day I could test I did. I was pregnant! I was TERRIFIED! What! Elated, terrified, all of it!! I woke my husband and shared with him the news. We were leaving for New York City for Christmas and I had to tell my family. I called them to tell them and my parents shared with me that this baby was my John 3:17 baby. “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” 

You see, pregnancy after miscarriage is HARD! Yes there is joy, but for me, fear, worry, and uncertainty creeped in. God is good, but that didn’t mean that I would get to keep this new baby. I know that this isn’t what a “youth pastor” should say and I was so embarrassed of my feelings at the time.  I want to be totally transparent with you though. Trusting, positive LeighAnn had been injured in the process of the previous season and I was still wounded, scared and didn’t know what to expect this time around. They saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks and I cried tears of joy while holding my husband’s hand so tightly. Then the next week I started spotting. 

I was set to go on a weekend retreat with my church and the doctor that I saw when I started spotting put me on bedrest for the week until I could see my doctor again. My Dad drove up and we went through the drive thru brusters! It was a small thing but the best thing for this scared girls heart… He repeated John 3:17 over me over and over. God had me and this sweet baby. When I saw my doctor again they did another ultrasound and everything looked great. I would like to say that my worry stopped there but every new pain and new trimester would bring on a new fear. I didn’t breathe again until our sweet and sassy Emersyn Mavis DiCesaris was born only a day after her due date August 28, 2017. She is my rainbow baby. God is good no matter the storm and I know that His heart breaks right along side of us. He is right there carrying us mamas through this broken world. He is holding you through whatever storm you are experiencing. Having little Emersyn wasn’t the end of my story, only the beginning. Since 2017 I have had another miscarriage and one healthy baby boy in 2019. I have two sweet little babes in the arms of Jesus right now. There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of them. Riley James and Emily Rose. Growing with Jesus and waiting for their mama and daddy to be with them one day. I have two crosses in my office that I see everyday that reminds me of them from my precious coworker. 

The good that came out of the ugly was that God sends us people. People that are the extension of Him. People that radiate His glory and hold us up. Prayer warriors, loved ones who would call and check in, loved ones who would go out of their way to visit. God is good, all the time. He is carrying you and me. He is the hope that we cling to. For He didn’t come to condemn the world, but to save the world. God sees you, He hears you, God’s plans are for you. Goodness is in store.   

Love and prayers for you dear ones. 

LeighAnn DiCesaris 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month - You Are Not Alone

Happy Wednesday! 

So if you have seen my Instagram stories you know that this month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (along with my another causes). I will be doing something different for the next few weeks posts. I will be sharing other women's stories of loss, how they made it through the hard times, and their encouragement for others. 

Today is about facts: 

On October 25th, 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

1 in 4 women will lose a baby during pregnancy, delivery, or infancy. 

Chemical pregnancies account for 50% of miscarriages. 

70 babies will be born still today. 

1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. 

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. 

Statistics from: starlegacyfoundation.org 

If you've been through miscarriage or loss, please know you are not alone. If you have the time, please listen to this amazing podcast with Sadie Robertson and Max Lucado discussing life questions and his newest book You Are Never Alone. A friend sent this link to me earlier this week and it was just what I needed. I just order this book earlier this week and it is set to arrive at the house today and I cannot wait to start reading it, especially after listening to this podcast. 

My favorite part of the podcast is when Max Lucado talks about the story of how Jesus had breakfast with them after the resurrection on the shore, and Jesus ask Peter three times, "Do you love me?" Right before the resurrection, Peter had denied Jesus three times. Sadie adds the comment of how she asks many times if God loves her? I was like wow, that's how I have felt many times throughout this journey- feeling unloved, not worthy. Of course, God loves us! He sent His Son to die for us!  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cqw0Qno0Io 

Dear God, 

I pray for the couples, men and women, that have suffered loss. I pray that you would remind them that they are not alone. You are with, Lord, and many others who share the same story. I pray for strength, hope, guidance, love, and many other things for the ones facing this hard time right now. Comfort them Lord, and just wrap your arms around them. Help them to see you not only in the good times, but in the hard times too. Lord, I thank you for our supportive family and friends. Otherwise we wouldn't have made it through! I pray Lord, that others have people they can talk to and relate too, someone to be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. I pray for the ones of us that continue on our fertility journey, that you would help us to make the right decisions at the right time. 

In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Feeling Left Behind

Do you ever feel like people's lives are just moving on so much faster than yours? Does it make you feel out of place or feel left behind? 

I feel like that's how I felt this past weekend. I went to one of my friend's house to watch the Auburn football game. All I see is people's lives moving faster than mine. I watch everyone with their one or two kids, talking about having more, etc. Will my future children have any of my friend's children to grow up with? Or are my friend's kids going to be babysitting mine? That's how I feel at this point. But I also don't want people to feel sorry for me, or tip toe around conversations, or feel like they can't invite me places...but then every time I go somewhere I am reminded of what I don't have yet. 

Anyways...

A sermon I listed to not long ago was talking about how we hold onto our faith during trials? I felt like it came at perfect timing. Well, I feel like faith is the main thing that has gotten us through this journey so far. This was one of the statements I wrote down in my notes from the sermon. "God intends every type of trial to strengthen our faith, and Satan intends every type of trial to destroy our faith." The Bible tells us in Romans that "we also see glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulations produce perseverance, and perseverance, character, and character, hope. Now HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 Then we have Satan, "the thief comes only to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. BUT I (Jesus) have come that you may have life, and they you may have it more abundantly." John 10:10

What does living life abundantly look like? I think it means living our life to the fullest the way God intended us too, knowing where our joy and strength come from daily. Even though we go through difficult times, God promises to give us an abundant life, if we are strong enough to trust him with the details, it may be better than anything we could have imagined for ourselves. We can't spend all our time dwelling on what we don't have...that sounds like something the thief wants us to do. We must be joyful for the things we do have in our lives and thank God for them often! 

HOPE DOESN'T DISAPPOINT! 

Not what we expected..

A combination of what we experienced over August...

(This written as we experienced it) 

On August 5th, I made the announcement that I was going to be taking a break from social media and the blog. Here is the story & reason why I made that announcement.

It didn't go as expected...may be TMI for some, I apologize, but I want to be completely open. 

That Wednesday morning, I went into the doctor to get my blood pregnancy test done. Now unfortunately, they don't give you the answer right away you have to wait until that afternoon when they call you. I wait around all day nervous/anxious/praying and am just trying to stay positive because we had such good numbers this round, like almost perfect! As you saw in the previous post every prayer was getting answered. 

2:30PM the phone rings: caller ID: Birmingham ART. 

Well, the nurse asks my a question first. She wants to know when I took my trigger shot. I reply, "on July 23rd." Her reply, "Well your test came back negative, but I think they scheduled your test too early. So it is very small chance that the result would change, but can you come in Friday for another blood test." I told the nurse I was not going back to that office. She told me if I didn't start by Saturday to take an at home test. I am thinking in the back of head, I'll probably start before then. 

So Thursday goes by, Friday, and then we got to Saturday. Well, I guess I'll take a test just in case. Y'ALL, I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING! There was a super faded positive line on the test. I didn't freak out yet. I waited until Sunday, took another "cheap" test and I still saw the line. So I leave at 8:00 to go to CVS when it opens to get a first response. The first response is POSITIVE. All I could do was yell for Brandon and cry happy tears. I think I cried for a good 30 minutes, and after I cleaned my face up, we had to give the glory to God. We stood in awe praying and praising Him for the miracle He had provided to us! 

Sunday afternoon comes, and I cramp and start like I am starting my cycle. This scares me and Brandon half to death. As we consulted a friend, she said it could be nothing, but it could be a chemical pregnancy. I literally cried in the bedroom for a couple hours, and eventually cried myself to sleep. Thankfully Brandon was right with me, in and out checking on me, as He doesn't show all the emotion that I do. 

Wake up Monday morning, take another test, still POSITIVE. I pray, telling God, He is in control and that I know He is a miracle worker! I call ART Montgomery to make an appointment. I call and make the appointment to get my blood work checked again. 

12:30 PM ART Montgomery calls...You're test is POSITIVE! However, your progesterone level is really low and you have to come in to take a shot. I said, "Are you serious?" She said "yes, can you come to the office." I said, "I am on my way!"

Called Brandon, told him. He was so excited! 

I get there, and they are like we have to get your progesterone level up quick! So, I take a shot, and will have to continue to take them for now until my level rises. 

So I just got off of the phone with the doctor in Birmingham (August 12). He is really concerned about my levels. He says they are starting super low and they need to rise fast. We are praying that they'll be exactly where they are supposed to be when I get checked tomorrow for my BETA (HCG) and progesterone level! 

DEAR GOD, 

There is NOTHING better than YOU, there is NOTHING better than YOU, there is NOTHING, NOTHING better than you, and I KNOW IT'S TRUE! YOU ARE THE GOD OF THE MOUNTAIN AND VALLEY. THERE ISN'T A PLACE THAT YOUR MERCY AND GRACE WON'T FIND ME AGAIN! THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN YOU!  

YOU TURN MOURNING INTO DANCING...YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN! YOU TURN GRAVES INTO GARDENS...YOU TURN SEAS INTO HIGHWAYS, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN! 

Thank you Lord for being better than everything! Thank you for being right beside us in this whole journey! There is nothing you can't do! We believe it and pray for the numbers to rise tomorrow at the doctor's appointment! You are the only one who can! 

In Jesus Name, Amen 

August 13 comes:

I have never been more heartbroken in my entire life. How could this have happened? I blamed myself for a few days, just feeling as if everything was all my fault. I go to the doctor that morning to get my blood work done. I already have a bad feeling all morning about it. 1:30, phone rings, Montgomery ART. Your BETA has gone back to zero. We had miscarried. I get off the phone, call Brandon immediately, just crying my eyes out so hard (And I'm at work while this is happening). He didn't even have to ask, he knew what was wrong. How could God have let this happen to us? We were so heartbroken beyond explanation, as our first child was no longer a growing part of us. I cried most of the afternoon, again when I got home from work, again when Brandon got home from work. I don't think I have ever been so devastated. 

I'm so thankful for my coworkers that let me cry in their room as I tried so hard to hold back the tears. One coworker, tells me about how she went through the same thing not too long ago. She gave me a mustard seed, something they had made at church, that was just what I needed in that moment. 

3 Weeks later...

I'm so thankful for family and friends that have been checking on us since this day. We didn't tell very many people about everything. It hurt so much just to tell the people we did tell. 

All I can do is ask for your prayers. As some days, we feel completely fine and others we see or hear things that bring back up all the emotions from the miscarriage. 

We patiently wait to see what the Lord has in store for us! God is good all the time even when we are hurting! 

A group that I am apart of one facebook posted this song today and I felt like it as perfect to share with everything that has been going on with us. Because of God's hope and love we are going to be ok! We are praying for a rainbow baby in God's timing! I pray it is sooner, rather than later. 

Into the Sea (It's gonna be ok) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=24&v=PPODQDOk5EQ&feature=emb_logo&fbclid=IwAR2vlCgMsHG1-n6uAId25MA8nMayRPpjqLQbdCZQBaoSBq4pMr4Xp0RGALs

As we heal from this loss, I am reminded of a popular scripture and the notes that I have in my Bible beside it from a sermon from McLean Bible Church earlier this year.  

Psalm 23: 

The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul, He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and staff they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

The Lord 1. satisfies my wants 2. gives me rest 3. leads my path 4. restores my soul 5. removes my fears with His presence 6. comforts me with His provision 7. serves me 8. Honors me 9. Pursues me 10. Guarantees my eternity with Him. 

AMEN! 

4 weeks later...

I still haven't made this post yet. I keep typing something each week thinking I am ready to share, but the truth is it still hurts and will probably continue to hurt for a while. 

We are so glad August is finally gone. August brought a miscarriage, my car being hit, crazy stress with moving, lots of negative thoughts, doubt, tears and then school starting virtually...

August brought a new home, knowing it is possible for us to pregnant, more and more of God's grace, and His unfailing love for us! 

And He gives grace generously. As the scriptures say, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:6-7

5 weeks later...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek HIS will in all you do, and HE will show you which path to take. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones. Proverbs 3:4-8 NLT

For Everything there is a season, a time for every activity under the heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NLT 

In the Wayfinding Bible (NLT) it has observation points and exploration points that it points out about the history or meaning behind verses. In speaks about how the poem in structured and makes a circle around the things that happen in life. The big point it makes it that "all of these things are outside of human control."  

But God! 

Announcement

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for the prayers, but after the not so best day today, I've decided to take a break from the blog and social media. 

Thank you all for reading. I'll get you back updated soon! And by then we will probably be in our new house! 

Love, Katey 

Praying constantly 🙏

Good Evening! 

So many of you know we've been house hunting these past few weeks! Well we think we finally found a potential! Asking for prayers for that too!! 

In fertility news, went to the doctor today to get some levels checked and everything looks great! We are still praying for success with this round as we won't know the results until a later date! Thank you prayer warriors for being along side us! If only you knew how much it is appreciated 💕

Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in everything; for God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 

Romans 12:12

Answering prayers

Prayer #1- no cyst ✔️ answered

Prayer #2- growth ✔️ answered

Prayer #3 - success 

I went back to the doctor today to check for growth of eggs (mature follicles)! I don't want to get too much into details, but let's just say this time we had a "good problem." What I mean by that is we had multiple grow! Like what? Only a God thing! So tonight I give you an update on our story and the next part that we are praying for....success! Our IUI will either be Friday or Sunday depending on tomorrow's appointment. Thank you to all who interceded on our behalf in prayer! We are so thankful for the support and prayers from our friends and family!!!  

Dear Lord, 

Tonight we thank you again for another answered prayer! We praise you for the growth seen at the doctor's appointment today! We thank you for everything happening with the house being under contract as well! I pray for our hearts as we are trying to be as positive as possible with everything that is going on with treatments this round! We pray for success and put it all in your hands! 

Amen 

Sometimes we are hesitant in believing God will answer our prayers, but God is our hope and He has a perfect plan! BELIEVE IT!! 

One prayer at a time

Just a story update and prayer request in today: 

I was finally able to go to the doctor yesterday!!! As we go through this process each time we really try to focus on praying step by step. First prayer, as I shared a couple of weeks ago, was that I wouldn't have any cyst at my appointment! Guess what?? I had no cyst!

So our next step prayer is for multiple follicles to grow!! I return to the doctor next Monday to check progress of the growth. Last time we did this same type of medicine($1,000 worth), I had to take the medicine for like 3 extra days so I kept having to go back to the doctor every morning!! So praying for growth and that I'll be ready Monday! 

Psalm 9:1 

I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart! I will tell of all Your marvelous works. 

Dead God, 

We thank you for answered prayers even when they feel small! Thank you for listening to our heart cries and desires each time we reach out to you! I pray you'd continue to watch over us as we go through the medicine, help many follicles/eggs to grow! Praying for others that are in this same process right now! Praying for strength, hope, and grace upon grace! Thank you for loving us! Amen. 

Waiting again...

Story Update: 

So last week I shared that I thought I would be going to the doctor. Well it hasn't happened yet. So I find myself in a different kind of waiting. 

Do you ever feel like you take a step of faith and then end up in complete disappointment? Then you go back and think maybe it wasn't the right step to take at that time? I even feel wrong for asking those questions..

I waited until today purposefully to write my post for this week to see what the result would be today. Today was hard. Today was another day, that I thought I believed deeply that a miracle could happen, but I am just reminded by God that the answer it not yet. 

So, right now I am so thankful for my small group of friends that I am doing a Bible Study with. It is one of the highlights of my week each time! We just finished week 3 of Everyday Theology by Mary Wiley (Random fact: Mary was one of my DNow leaders when I was a teenager and her mom was my geometry, pre-cal, and calculus teacher in high school). This past week was all about Jesus the Son, and all the prophecies and promises He fulfilled in scripture. We discussed how Jesus was seen a prophet, priest, and king based on His actions. One of the questions ask how has Jesus been a prophet, priest, and king in your life? As we go through this struggle of infertility, I have to remember how wonderful God/Jesus has been to us in different parts of our life and what great things are coming out of this struggle. It has just been really tough today unfortunately. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 

Promises- Maverick City Music 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5m09rqOoxE

Dear God, 

   I pray that as I struggle today, that I would continue to praise you in the waiting process. I pray for strength and continued guidance throughout our journey. I pray for others that are going through similar situations. I pray that would love and follow you with everything they have, and Lord if they begin to doubt that they'd be reminded of your everlasting love for them just as I was today. Thank you for being our Savior and dying so we could live! I pray for whenever the doctor's appointment does come, we will continue to show our faith in you through every step! In Jesus Name, Amen. 

This is my story, this is my song

The Story I'll Tell

This morning, I was reading through a page I follow, I came across this beautiful song! And decided to change today's topic. The lyrics of the first verse really spoke to me and our situation. They say: 

"The hour is dark 

And it’s hard to see 

What you are doin’

Here in the ruins

And where this will lead

Oh but I know

That down through the years

I’ll look on this moment

See your hand on it

And know you were here"

We all have a story! We may or may not choose to share it with others ... A story of Jesus saving us, a story of hope, a story of a miracle, etc. We also have the stories that we don't enjoy talking about. Maybe it is the story of infertility, miscarriage, loss of a loved one, addiction, or others. The one story that remains the same God! We may not know or see what He is doing in the ruin, but he remains the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow: Holy, loving, all-powerful, all-knowing, always present, patient, selfless, and so much more! 

I recently watched Facing the Giants, a Kendrick Brother movie and one of my favorite quotes that doesn't just apply to football: "If we win we praise Him, if we lose we praise Him!" 

Do you believe that He is part of your story each and everyday even when you feel like you may be winning at life or losing at life? Are we telling His story too? #Godsnotdonewithyou

God's not done with you

Blessed Assurance

Story update: We will be heading back to the doctor this month. I haven't been doing well on the weight loss the past few weeks, but am down 15lbs. Prayers for no cyst at the appointment so we are able to try a new round of treatments. As always, thank you for your prayers and support. 

To the Future Father

This is the letter and prayer I wrote to my husband on Father's Day! I have probably said this before, but when we think of infertility we think of women and what they go through. We don't necessarily think about how the husband feels or what he may be going through. I am thankful for my husband that stands by my side no matter challenge we face in life. So if you know a couple that is going through infertility, don't forget to ask about how the husband is doing in the journey and pray for his strength too.

So this week, I wanted to share the letter & prayer I wrote to him on Father's day.

To: The Future Father

Honey,

First I want to say that I am not sure how you are feeling on this day. I am not sure if it hurts you as much to see all the Father’s Day things, as it does for me to handle all the Mother’s Day things. I know you prefer not to talk about it much, but I know you are going through the same feelings I am every time there is an announcement, etc. I want to write you this letter as an encouragement, as a reminder that you are not alone, as a reminder that we are in this together as a team! When I hurt, you hurt...when you hurt, I hurt. Thank you for always being my shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being supportive through my side of treatments. I pray that we will continue to do all that we can do and promised to do in order to try to make our hearts desire a reality. I pray for us often as I know that it is something we think about as every single day goes by without a child, without a little one to hold in our arms, without creating a cute announcement or nursery, and more.

I pray that we would continue to grow in our relationship with Christ daily and seek His plan over our own. I pray that we would remember to lean on each other when the world reminds us we aren’t parents yet. I pray that we would continue to put God first in our marriage as we let his plan unfold for our lives. I pray that when the time comes for hard decisions that we would make it with our hearts turned towards God, and not our heads desires. I pray for our next round of treatments to work so that next year, we will be able to celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day happily with our gift from God.

I love you so much and cannot wait to see you as a dad to our future child/children. I wait patiently for God to allow this plan to unfold in our lives.

Love,

Katey

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6 

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

In a valley...on a struggle bus...

Do you ever tell people that your on the struggle bus?

I probably say it way too often. It is definitely how I am feeling today. I have typed multiple topics to share, but I can't seem to make any of them sound right or flow correctly. So here I am at 4:00 in the afternoon, struggling to find the right words to share today. I came to the conclusion that I would just share this struggle. 

Truth is only 10-15 people have read the last few post and I have been struggling with whether or not I should continue. Is it worth it for me to continue to share my heart and our journey with only a handful of people reading? The answer is always YES! Yes because I felt like God led me to sharing and yes because...

One of those people might need encouragement that day. 

One of those people might have the same obstacle in front of them. 

One of those people may need a prayer said for them today. 

One of those people may need to see God at work in my life as a reminder that He is still working in theirs. 

One of those people may just need a reminder that someone is struggling just as much as they are. 

So instead of continuing to focus on the fact that I am struggling today, I turn to scripture to the list of things we should be focusing on daily as we press on. As we continue to maneuver through whatever valley we are facing, let us not forget the things that are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, virtuous, good, praiseworthy...

"I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 3:14

"Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God peace will be with you." 

Philippians 4:8-9

As we press on in our fertility journey, and prepare to return in July, I'm reminded that our plan is not what we need to focus on. God's plan is greater. He is the God of the hills and valleys, and WE ARE NOT ALONE. We are called to join God in his plan, towards His goal. 

Dear God, 

I pray that you would help us to keep our focus on You, and things that align with You and Your plan. I pray no matter the valley or the struggle we are in Lord that you would continue to guide us, to press us toward the goal of fulfilling your call. I pray that your Spirit would continue to fill me with the words that need to be shared as I continue to try to be an example for others. Thank you for always being with us. Great is Thy faithfulness! Amen.  

Showing Grace..even when it is hard

So you don't have kids yet...

1. you are trying too hard.

2. relax, don't think about it, and it will happen.

3. don't worry, it will happen eventually.

4. be glad you don't have kids right now, y'all can do whatever you want. 

5. Have you tried_______? 

6. I bet if you both lose a few pounds it might help. 

7. My other friends did _____ and it worked. 

8. It must not be in God's timing right now. 

This is a list of things we've been told over our journey. 

How are we suppose to respond to these comments?

Sometimes I explode.

Sometimes I get so angry/frustrated.

Sometimes I just think why do people keep saying these things to us.

Sometimes I just say ok and move on.

Sometimes I don't let the comments get to me. 

Sometimes I remember HE WOULD LOVE FIRST. (HWLF) 

Sometimes I show grace and love.

Sometimes I honor God with my response. 

The truth is honoring God with grace and love should be in all our responses no matter what situation we may be facing. I should always remember He (Jesus) would love first. Through His love, grace and mercy are shown and given. As a believer, God tells us in Colossians what characteristics we are to put on our new self. I know that I am not perfect, and I am not always "dressed" in this manner. It is something I strive for everyday! 

"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rules in your hearts..." Colossians 3:12-15a

"Let your speech always be seasoned with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." Colossians 4:6

 

When I first announced on facebook about our journey and that I was going to be doing this, I mentioned that infertility is not something people talk about because people don't understand, or have no idea what to say to us. If someone has never encountered a person facing these issues, they don't know how to approach the conversation. They might not know that these mostly innocent sayings crush us every time they are mentioned to us. However, it is our job to inform and advocate just like anyone going through another situation would.  

The best thing, in my opinion, you can say to someone going through infertility, "I'm praying for you." or "How can I pray for you?" Then in that moment pray for them!  

To the person reading this who has had these same things told to them: You are not alone. We are all in this together! Don't forget to show GRACE and always remember HE WOULD LOVE FIRST! 

Dear God, 

Today, I pray for the couples that are hearing these comments. I pray we would all remember to show grace. I pray we'd remember to love first just as you do for us every single day! Thank you for your love and grace. We would be lost without it. I pray that conversations will be made, that what we are going through won't be ignored just because people don't know how to act/react/what to say/etc. I pray that we would be strong and love always! Thank you for all you have given us! AMEN! 

Just An Update

    As I previously stated in another post, my husband and I have decided to take a break from fertility treatments. Some people that know us well have asked us, "When do you plan to start back?" Well we don't really have a set plan. I mentioned to Brandon just yesterday about possibly starting back in July. Starting in July would give us an opportunity to go through a round of treatment before school starts back. It is not set in stone, but is a possibility. 

    Over the past 5 weeks I have begun trying to lose weight to help with our chance of getting pregnant. Do we know if this will actually help? No, but the purpose of our break was to work on ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually. So this is where I am/we are. 

I have lost 10 pounds over the past 5 weeks.

We continue to pray and pray for the gift of a child.

I continue to read scripture and have my quiet time. 

We continue to trust God's timing is perfect. 

I continue to constantly think about what our future could look like with or without children. 

I continue to have breakdowns when seeing other announcements of pregnancy. 

I continue to tell our story to new people I meet even if they are not in the same situation. 

We continue to lean on our family & friends for support. 

We continue to do our Bible Study together twice a week. 

We spend more intentional time in prayer together for ourselves & for others. 

Dear God, 

    I pray for us as we continue to seek your plan in regards to starting a family. I pray for wisdom to know what to do as we face each step of this process. I pray for all the couples that are currently struggling with any part of infertility. I pray that they are also relying on you and believing and trusting in Your will and timing. We thank you that we know You are working in our lives even though we might not physically see it yet. Thank you for loving us even though we fall short daily. In Jesus name, AMEN! 

"For this reason also, since the day we heard this, we haven't stopped praying for you. We are asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, so that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him: bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, so that you may have great endurance and patience, joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the saints' inheritance in the light." Colossians 1: 9-12

Worth

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27 

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your works. Psalm 139:14 

For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7 

As we just celebrated Mother's Day a week and a half ago...I wonder if it is hard for anyone else that is going through infertility too? Or if men struggle with celebrating Father's Day too? We want to be celebrated on this day so so so bad too! 

So does the possibility of not being parents change our worth to the world? to God? 

Maybe to the world we are less, I don't know really. Do I ever feel like I am less of woman because I can't have a baby? Does my husband feel less of a man with us not being able to have a child right now? Well, I am gonna leave those questions right there...and focus on what God says about our worth to Him? 

The Bible tells us that we are CREATED IN GOD'S IMAGE, FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE, LOVED SO MUCH THAT GOD SACRIFICED HIS SON FOR US, CHOSEN, DAUGHTERS AND SONS OF A KING, REDEEMED, MADE ALIVE IN CHRIST AND SO MUCH MORE.

I have been reading 1 Samuel 1-2: The story of Hannah and here are some notes I previously had written in my Bible regarding her story.  

-Hannah poured out her heart before the Lord over and over! 

-The Lord remembered her.

-Prayer involves expressions of the longings of our heart, conviction that God hears and responds to our cries, and devotion of God's gift for God's glory. 

Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 

Dear God, As we continue to pour out our hearts desires to you we are thankful that you hear them and that we know the correct response will come in your timing. I pray we'd continue to remember these things on our journey. I pray for all that are struggling. I pray for their strength, I pray for the desires of their heart too Lord. We love you Lord, and thank you for all that you are doing in our lives in the midst of our infertility journey. Help to always remember who we are in your eyes! Amen

Idols

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for, I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God... Exodus 20:4-5

This week, idols have really been on my mind for some reason. I feel like this is a really odd topic to post about, but I've really wanted to just share where my heart was at this week. 

This week, I was spending some time in the Word, and what I was reading made me want to examine myself, my heart and my head. An idol, is anything (person, place, thing, etc) we put in the place of God. So I asked myself, what do I turn to when I am anxious, upset, angry, or any of these other emotions? Is there something taking God's spot as the ultimate and supreme ruler over my life/heart? Then, I did something terrible right here, I started to think about another individual's idols (or what I believe they are) and how I was going to help them fix it. Thank goodness, God got me back in the right mindset real quick as I looked back at a previous study. It made me go back to a Bible Study I had done a few years ago with a small group from church, gods at War by Kyle Idleman. In this study, it goes over many possibilities of what little g gods could be in our lives; food, money, power, addictions, entertainment, success, ourselves, and more. So I skimmed through the book, and here are a few things that stuck out to me. 

"God is jealous for your heart, not because he is petty, but because He loves you." 
"He doesn't want us to just make room in our closet for Him, He wants the closet to Himself." 
""I'm successful" says we are giving glory to ourselves. "I'm blessed" says we are giving the glory to God." 
"Idols are defeated not be removing them, but by being replaced." 
"God is always in first place. But there are no places. God isn't interested in competing against others or being first among many...He isn't interested in being the president of the board, He is the board." 

I wrote these things down on sticky notes, and began to write down some of my favorite verses and other sayings too. Here are a couple I wrote down. 

From Secret Church 2019: "Our relationship with God in prayer should look like a consuming addiction in our lives, not a convenient addition to our lives."- David Platt 

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Proverbs 4:23 

But the real question here is what does all of this have to do with our infertility journey? 

Well, through this journey we have had many heartaches and many times where we felt like God was not present in this part of our lives. Those times were times when we weren't opening our Bibles and when we weren't praying as often. However, we know that is He present in every situation, good or bad, whether we feel Him or not. So, all this to say, can the want or drive of having a child become an idol? Do I desire more to have a child, than to have a relationship with God? Now, you may be thinking, Katey, isn't this a little extreme? Well maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But the day I started typing this topic...someone in a facebook group I am in asked the exact same question. I thought to myself, I am not alone in the fact that I felt like this towards the beginning of our road! As we've grown in our faith over the past few years, I don't believe this is a current situation for me, but looking back I can definitely see where this has happened. So my prayer has been that my heart desires Jesus most of all. That I don't let the desire, I believe He put there, be what I desire most. As we've grown in our faith over the past few years, I don't believe this is a current situation for me, but looking back I can definitely see where this has happened. 

Keep the faith! Guard your heart! Desire a relationship with God over everything! 

Dear children, keep yourselves from idols. 1 John 5:21

Dear God, I pray that above all else we would guard our hearts. That we would guard it from all the little g gods and idols that are trying to take over and that we have begun to let take over in our lives. Help us to examine our hearts so that if idols are present, they can be replaced by You and You alone. Help us to desire a deeper relationship with you daily. 

AMEN.