Once again, this weeks story is someone very close to me! I am so thankful for her sharing her story! TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART!
________________________________________________________________________________
My relationship with the Lord started very early (age 8) and cruised through teenager hood and young adult hood. I am a first born, see the world in black and white mostly, my family would call me a perfectionist. My “faith” was what was expected of me and so I obeyed and believed more because that’s what was right than because I loved and trusted God. God would use my miscarriages to expose my heart.
I married my high school sweetheart and we easily grew our family to 5 within 7 years of marriage. My first 3 pregnancies were easily conceived, easily carried, and easily delivered. But my fourth pregnancy would rock my world. I assumed that the fourth time around would go just as the first 3 had gone. Until one day, 14 weeks in, I miscarried. I was shocked and devastated. I immediately got pregnant again, one cycle later, and at 11 weeks, lost that baby too. At this point, the crack in the foundation of my faith became an avalanche. I had never in my life prayed for something the way I prayed for those 11 weeks. I simply could not understand why God would give us a child to take it away. People tried to comfort me with platitudes like “God was protecting you” or it was a blessing because “something might have been wrong” (really?) Then I immediately got pregnant again, on the very next cycle. This time I was under the care of the physicians at ART. And nothing looked good on ultrasound or testing. I spent the first 14 weeks seeing a doctor every week that prepared me for the worst, once even asking me if I wanted to just abort and try again. It wasn’t until my 20 week appt that they finally gave me hope that this baby might live. And live he did, after 3 girls, we finally had a beautiful baby boy.
I had my baby, but my faith was in shambles. How did God refuse my other prayers? How can I love a God who takes away what he gives? This was a side of God and a side of me that I had never experienced before. And so I froze. I didn’t quit believing: I believed. Never doubted really, that God was God. That he was who he said he was. That I was a sinner, in need of a savior and that savior is Jesus. But I froze- I quit praying, I quit searching, I quit trying to interact with God because now I knew He can and will hurt me. And I told no one. But living that way wasn’t sustainable. I finally opened up to my husband. And I read a few books. And I finally heard God’s voice- and this is what I hear: “Do you trust me? Am I your God even if I hurt you and don’t make sense to you?” My husband said to me that God cares so much about my soul and my eternity, that He is willing to sacrifice my comfort and expectations here in this life for the eternal. And that’s when it clicked for me- all of this was my moment to choose- am I going to trust Him, no matter what, or not?
My faith is no longer just because it’s right. I know the One who loves my babies more than I do. He holds my babies in heaven while I hold the ones here. I know the One who loves me more than I love Him. Who loved me so much, he let me walk through this pain just so I would draw closer to Him and solidify my faith to be borne out of love and not obligation.
I don’t know how God is trying to get your attention. But I do know that He is working in any situation in your life, good or bad, to draw you to Him. He loves you that much. Trust Him. No matter what, trust Him. Even when it’s hard. Even when it doesn’t make sense. Even when it hurts. Because He is the best thing. Better than anything this life holds for us. Even our children.
No comments:
Post a Comment