A combination of what we experienced over August...
(This written as we experienced it)
On August 5th, I made the announcement that I was going to be taking a break from social media and the blog. Here is the story & reason why I made that announcement.
It didn't go as expected...may be TMI for some, I apologize, but I want to be completely open.
That Wednesday morning, I went into the doctor to get my blood pregnancy test done. Now unfortunately, they don't give you the answer right away you have to wait until that afternoon when they call you. I wait around all day nervous/anxious/praying and am just trying to stay positive because we had such good numbers this round, like almost perfect! As you saw in the previous post every prayer was getting answered.
2:30PM the phone rings: caller ID: Birmingham ART.
Well, the nurse asks my a question first. She wants to know when I took my trigger shot. I reply, "on July 23rd." Her reply, "Well your test came back negative, but I think they scheduled your test too early. So it is very small chance that the result would change, but can you come in Friday for another blood test." I told the nurse I was not going back to that office. She told me if I didn't start by Saturday to take an at home test. I am thinking in the back of head, I'll probably start before then.
So Thursday goes by, Friday, and then we got to Saturday. Well, I guess I'll take a test just in case. Y'ALL, I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING! There was a super faded positive line on the test. I didn't freak out yet. I waited until Sunday, took another "cheap" test and I still saw the line. So I leave at 8:00 to go to CVS when it opens to get a first response. The first response is POSITIVE. All I could do was yell for Brandon and cry happy tears. I think I cried for a good 30 minutes, and after I cleaned my face up, we had to give the glory to God. We stood in awe praying and praising Him for the miracle He had provided to us!
Sunday afternoon comes, and I cramp and start like I am starting my cycle. This scares me and Brandon half to death. As we consulted a friend, she said it could be nothing, but it could be a chemical pregnancy. I literally cried in the bedroom for a couple hours, and eventually cried myself to sleep. Thankfully Brandon was right with me, in and out checking on me, as He doesn't show all the emotion that I do.
Wake up Monday morning, take another test, still POSITIVE. I pray, telling God, He is in control and that I know He is a miracle worker! I call ART Montgomery to make an appointment. I call and make the appointment to get my blood work checked again.
12:30 PM ART Montgomery calls...You're test is POSITIVE! However, your progesterone level is really low and you have to come in to take a shot. I said, "Are you serious?" She said "yes, can you come to the office." I said, "I am on my way!"
Called Brandon, told him. He was so excited!
I get there, and they are like we have to get your progesterone level up quick! So, I take a shot, and will have to continue to take them for now until my level rises.
So I just got off of the phone with the doctor in Birmingham (August 12). He is really concerned about my levels. He says they are starting super low and they need to rise fast. We are praying that they'll be exactly where they are supposed to be when I get checked tomorrow for my BETA (HCG) and progesterone level!
DEAR GOD,
There is NOTHING better than YOU, there is NOTHING better than YOU, there is NOTHING, NOTHING better than you, and I KNOW IT'S TRUE! YOU ARE THE GOD OF THE MOUNTAIN AND VALLEY. THERE ISN'T A PLACE THAT YOUR MERCY AND GRACE WON'T FIND ME AGAIN! THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
YOU TURN MOURNING INTO DANCING...YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN! YOU TURN GRAVES INTO GARDENS...YOU TURN SEAS INTO HIGHWAYS, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN!
Thank you Lord for being better than everything! Thank you for being right beside us in this whole journey! There is nothing you can't do! We believe it and pray for the numbers to rise tomorrow at the doctor's appointment! You are the only one who can!
In Jesus Name, Amen
August 13 comes:
I have never been more heartbroken in my entire life. How could this have happened? I blamed myself for a few days, just feeling as if everything was all my fault. I go to the doctor that morning to get my blood work done. I already have a bad feeling all morning about it. 1:30, phone rings, Montgomery ART. Your BETA has gone back to zero. We had miscarried. I get off the phone, call Brandon immediately, just crying my eyes out so hard (And I'm at work while this is happening). He didn't even have to ask, he knew what was wrong. How could God have let this happen to us? We were so heartbroken beyond explanation, as our first child was no longer a growing part of us. I cried most of the afternoon, again when I got home from work, again when Brandon got home from work. I don't think I have ever been so devastated.
I'm so thankful for my coworkers that let me cry in their room as I tried so hard to hold back the tears. One coworker, tells me about how she went through the same thing not too long ago. She gave me a mustard seed, something they had made at church, that was just what I needed in that moment.
3 Weeks later...
I'm so thankful for family and friends that have been checking on us since this day. We didn't tell very many people about everything. It hurt so much just to tell the people we did tell.
All I can do is ask for your prayers. As some days, we feel completely fine and others we see or hear things that bring back up all the emotions from the miscarriage.
We patiently wait to see what the Lord has in store for us! God is good all the time even when we are hurting!
A group that I am apart of one facebook posted this song today and I felt like it as perfect to share with everything that has been going on with us. Because of God's hope and love we are going to be ok! We are praying for a rainbow baby in God's timing! I pray it is sooner, rather than later.
Into the Sea (It's gonna be ok)
As we heal from this loss, I am reminded of a popular scripture and the notes that I have in my Bible beside it from a sermon from McLean Bible Church earlier this year.
Psalm 23:
The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul, He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though, I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and staff they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
The Lord 1. satisfies my wants 2. gives me rest 3. leads my path 4. restores my soul 5. removes my fears with His presence 6. comforts me with His provision 7. serves me 8. Honors me 9. Pursues me 10. Guarantees my eternity with Him.
AMEN!
4 weeks later...
I still haven't made this post yet. I keep typing something each week thinking I am ready to share, but the truth is it still hurts and will probably continue to hurt for a while.
We are so glad August is finally gone. August brought a miscarriage, my car being hit, crazy stress with moving, lots of negative thoughts, doubt, tears and then school starting virtually...
August brought a new home, knowing it is possible for us to pregnant, more and more of God's grace, and His unfailing love for us!
And He gives grace generously. As the scriptures say, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:6-7
5 weeks later...
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek HIS will in all you do, and HE will show you which path to take. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones. Proverbs 3:4-8 NLT
For Everything there is a season, a time for every activity under the heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NLT
In the Wayfinding Bible (NLT) it has observation points and exploration points that it points out about the history or meaning behind verses. In speaks about how the poem in structured and makes a circle around the things that happen in life. The big point it makes it that "all of these things are outside of human control."
But God!
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