The three year mark

When I first came up with this idea of blogging our fertility journey, I never imagined I would be sitting here in December still telling you about all of our ups and downs, how God has spoken to me, and every detail of our lives. However, here I am. Here I am on post #35.

I also never imagined the encouragement and response that we have been getting. There are so many more people praying for us, and it has given me the opportunity to pray for others that are going through this journey as well. People that I would have never known about until I started sharing through the blog. Thank you to the few who read weekly, even when I don't post a link on social media! 

Earlier this week, I posted on facebook that I was going to be selling hymn crafts to raise money for our IVF journey.  4 out of 5 of the ones I posted went quickly, then messages with request for others! It means so much that people are not only praying for us, but are willing to help us get there financially too. 

Next week makes 3 years exactly since this journey started. In December of 2017 was when I had my IUD taken out for us to try to start a family of our own. I also didn't imagine I would be sitting at this 3 year mark without a little one in our arms. What is so sad to me is that there are couples who have been patient for so much longer than three years. Where do they find their hope? How do they make it through emotionally and mentally? I hope their answer is JESUS! After all he is the reason for the season and everything else too! 

With this being said, I am going to take a break over the holidays from blogging! I will see y'all in 2021! 

As we all look forward to 2021, try not to forget the good that has happened in 2020. Honestly, the best thing that has happened to me in 2020 is that I've grown in my relationship with Jesus more and more. I hope this year has brought that for you as well! 

Dear God, 

I pray for all of those who are struggling to see something positive out of 2020. I pray that they would recognize the things that you've been doing in midst of the hardships we've all been seeing or facing. I pray for 2021. That it would bring peace! That people would be overwhelmed with your presence in their lives. I pray for the ones struggling with infertility. It can be so hard to make it through the holidays with seeing children everywhere. I pray that they would not feel forgotten or unloved, but that you would wrap your arms around them. Surround them with your love! I pray that they would continue to put their hope and trust in you no matter what the outcome of the journey! Thank you for what you have done and what you are doing in our lives. Forgive us when we doubt your love and power! In Jesus Name, Amen! 

Choosing Joy Daily

 At the Church we've been visiting, they just wrapped up a sermon series called Choosing Joy. In this series we went through the book of Philippians. Today, I really want to share a piece of my notes from one of the sermons. 

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness[a] be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

• Not to worry, but pray.. is a command! 
• PRAYER should be as natural as BREATHING! 

These two notes that are sitting in my journal, I have thought about all week. I keep asking myself, if prayer is that natural to me? I'll admit, I feel like I haven't been as prayerful as I should be lately. And honestly, it is just due to me putting my time and effort elsewhere. I have challenged myself to try to be more natural, intentional about praying throughout the day. Am I too much of a worrier? Does my worrying show that I lack trust in God? 

Do we choose joy daily? Do we worry too much? Do we pray as natural as we breathe? Praying that my heart continues to reflect and grow, and trust God more daily not only in our infertility, but in all aspects of life. 

Count Your Blessings!

 We made it to Thanksgiving Week! It seemed like we would never actually make it this far in 2020. So much negative has happened in 2020, but I really hope we all take this time to really focus on the great things God has done for us this year! When I was younger, every year at Thanksgiving we would go around the table and name just one thing we were thankful for. I always loved listening to what everyone would share and hoped that no one would steal whatever my answer was! 

What am I thankful for? Well, many things! Thanksgiving always reminds me of the old hymn Count Your Blessings! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3ypf_KmlZE

When upon life's billows you are tempest tost, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, Count your blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord has done! 

Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessing see what God has done! Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your many blessing see what God has done! 

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly, and you will be singing as the days go by. 

Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessing see what God has done! Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your many blessing see what God has done! ....

Are you ever discouraged thinking all is lost? Are we ever burdened with a load of care? Is our cross heavy to bear? How many of us are facing these questions this year? 

"My brothers, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

This Thanksgiving are we thankful for the trials 2020 has brought? 

I am thankful for: Jesus, The Word of God, My husband, My family (immediate and beyond), our jobs, my coworkers, a boss who is so understanding, our new home, the part of our trial that has brought my relationship with Jesus closer, our doctor & nurses & everyone at ART, the ability to encourage others through the blog, christian music, devotionals/books that have helped me cope during our trial, and so much more! 

Dear God, 

I pray that you would help us to be thankful even during the hardships we face in life! Help us to see the good you are doing through the trial. Help us to feel your presence beside us as we endure. Help us to feel your compassion and mercy Lord. I pray we'd remember the great hardship that your Son endured for us, of dying on the cross and saving us from our sins. I pray we'd encourage one another, lift each other up when we are down. Even if we don't have the right words, that we have the courage to just pray with them. Help us to have patience in the waiting! AMEN! 

The HEART

Last week I shared that we had decided to pursue a round of IVF in hopes of that working for us to have a baby. I called the doctor to make the initial appointment and he didn't have an opening until JANUARY 18th. The bad thing about this date is that it is two months away, the good thing is that it falls on a holiday. So I don't have to take a day off in order to go to the appointment. Here is what we know so far: I will have to have another HSG (The procedure where they check to see if your tubes are blocked), and some other test done a certain amount of time out before we can actually start the true process. So this part of the journey is kind of at a stand still until our appointment with the doctor. Secondly, I made an appointment to see my regular OBGYN while we are waiting for the 18th of Jan, and he didn't have an appointment open either until the first week of January. CRAZY! 

So where are our heads with all of this? 

My head is in a what if state...what if it doesn't work kind of state? What would happen then? Well, I have really been trying to get this out of my head. We can only take one step at a time, and trust that the doctors are helping us make the right decision. 

Where is my heart at? 

Well...my heart is deeply trying to lay everything at the feet of Jesus, to let go and let God! I feel as if I am failing daily just because I want to be in control and know the outcome before we even start. 

What are we told about our hearts in the Bible? 

Create in my a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all our mind." Matthew 22:37

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

There are so many verses that reference the heart! So, we are to ask for a clean heart when we go against God. We can draw near to God when we are brokenhearted. We must love God with all our heart. Our true joy comes from God. So where is your heart right now? 

Tonight Lord, I pray that you would gives us clean hearts. Help us to love you with ALL of our heart, every single piece. I pray that we would draw near to you not only during the struggles, but during the times that are wonderful too. I pray that we would praise you no matter the circumstance we find ourselves in right now. Amen. 

Just a Journey Update: Decision Made

Decisions...decisions...decisions! 

Over the past couple of weeks, Brandon and I have had random discussions about the possibility of doing IVF. Well, we didn't make a decision until tonight. We are continuing to pray that we have made the correct decision. As I stated last week, just praying that our wants our aligned with His. So with IVF, it entails so many things; lots of money, medicine, test, doctor's appointments, procedures, surgery, etc. This actual process of IVF will probably not actually happen until closer to the summer, because a lot of things build up to it. 

We will be calling the doctor's office to discuss first steps to take.  Again, I just ask for your prayers. Prayers that we made the right decision, prayers that we will be able to handle the financial aspect, prayers that we are able to make it through each part of it successfully, prayers that the end result is a healthy pregnancy and baby. 

Be strong and let your heart take courage, all who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24

I trust in God at all times. I pour my heart before Him; God is a refuge for me. Psalm 62:8

Rise up (Lazarus) by CAIN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw8IgPHRBr4

Run to the Father by Cody Carnes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcpeLDp0Foo

The Tough Questions

 I recently had a friend that asked me a really tough question. Before I tell you what that question was, I want to share this song. 

More Than Enough- Jesus Culture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8D5-YOBK0 

Question: Is Jesus Enough? If He is all I had, is He enough for me?

WOW! What a question. My first reaction is yes of course Jesus is enough! Well let’s take this question a little further… If we never have children, is Jesus enough? If we never grow our family beyond us, is Jesus enough? If we never give our parents grandchildren, is Jesus enough for all of us? 

I am almost in tears typing this because it just hits me so deeply. If Jesus is enough, then why can’t I totally surrender everything that is going on in our lives to Him? Is the path I am on the same one God wants me on? Am I taking what the Lord has blessed me with and using it to further His Kingdom? 

All I ask is you take these questions..plug in whatever you are struggling with...and reflect! And then pray! 

Our Journey update: 

We did not share our most recent part of the journey with many people. Since our miscarriage we have already been back to the doctor for another round of fertility meds, and IUI. Once again, our numbers were perfect (probably even better than last time). Our results were negative again. It was the hurt of the miscarriage was at us all over again when we got the negative. Scientifically, everything should have worked this past round. I ask that you continue to pray for us as we decide what is next with our journey. Do we use the last IUI we have covered by our insurance? Do we start saving money again for IVF? What I can tell you, is that we pray often that God’s will for us is to have a biological child. But here we go again with the question….if it isn’t in His plan, is He enough? 

A Story of Hope Week 3: His Grace is Sufficient

For the ones of you who know my family, you also know that I am just like my mom! Everywhere we go, "Oh, I can tell that's your mom." Or other people in our family tell me you act just like your mom. Brandon reminds me often, "You are just like your mom." Well today, is my mom's story of loss to wrap up the pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I take it as a compliment every time someone tells me I am like my mom! She is one of the strongest Christian women I know and was the best mom I could have ever asked for, for me and Whitney. However, this is one story, one part of our lives, that I never thought I'd have in common with her. Before Whitney, and between me and Whitney, there were losses. Here is her story: 

________________________________________________________________________________

The year was 1986. It seems like a lifetime ago.  It seems like just yesterday.  Eddie and I had been married for less than a year.  We were surprised, but excited, when we knew I was pregnant.  That joy was replaced with sadness and grief when, a few weeks later, I was told that I had miscarried.  We mourned the loss of our baby, and doctor appointment after doctor appointment yielded additional frustration and heartache.  What was wrong?  What was the next step? Why, after several months, had my cycles not started again? The answer came on April 1, 1987.  I woke up very early in the morning with what I thought were severe stomach cramps.  The cramps continued and the pain escalated.  Without being too graphic, then came the blood.  The situation escalated to the point that we called my OBGYN, and he said to meet him at the emergency room.  Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I began hemorrhaging.  It turned out that I was in full labor.  It was determined that our baby, though not growing, was in the pregnancy sac which had been attached to the lining of my stomach for the last several months.  Our baby was born with no distinguishable features and no distinguishable limbs, but our baby, nonetheless. The doctor showed me the baby and asked if I knew what “it” was.  Of course, I did! He went and got Eddie and had both of us look, but not hold, him/her.  The baby was then placed in a bag that read “pathology” and given to the nurse who exited the room.   That was it.  The doctor then returned to what would be the next steps for me. After I was stable, I was sent home to spend a week in bed.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God tells us that His grace is sufficient, and that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  I can tell you that I walked out of the hospital that day under HIS strength, not my own. It was God who gave us comfort.  He is merciful. He is faithful.  In February 1988, we had a healthy baby girl.  However, in March of 1990, I miscarried again.  I had not even seen the doctor for my first appointment.  I remember lying on the couch with a box of Kleenex and crying for hours as I watched a telethon to raise money to help children with disabilities.  However, 16 months later, we had another beautiful baby girl.  In Isaiah 43:10, God says, “…I will strengthen you.  I will give you help.  I WILL HOLD ON TO YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND.”  Wow! What a promise!  I know God was holding on to me as I grieved the loss of our babies and as I rejoiced at the birth of our girls.  He wants to hold on to you, too.  Let Him.