A Story of Hope Week 3: His Grace is Sufficient

For the ones of you who know my family, you also know that I am just like my mom! Everywhere we go, "Oh, I can tell that's your mom." Or other people in our family tell me you act just like your mom. Brandon reminds me often, "You are just like your mom." Well today, is my mom's story of loss to wrap up the pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I take it as a compliment every time someone tells me I am like my mom! She is one of the strongest Christian women I know and was the best mom I could have ever asked for, for me and Whitney. However, this is one story, one part of our lives, that I never thought I'd have in common with her. Before Whitney, and between me and Whitney, there were losses. Here is her story: 

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The year was 1986. It seems like a lifetime ago.  It seems like just yesterday.  Eddie and I had been married for less than a year.  We were surprised, but excited, when we knew I was pregnant.  That joy was replaced with sadness and grief when, a few weeks later, I was told that I had miscarried.  We mourned the loss of our baby, and doctor appointment after doctor appointment yielded additional frustration and heartache.  What was wrong?  What was the next step? Why, after several months, had my cycles not started again? The answer came on April 1, 1987.  I woke up very early in the morning with what I thought were severe stomach cramps.  The cramps continued and the pain escalated.  Without being too graphic, then came the blood.  The situation escalated to the point that we called my OBGYN, and he said to meet him at the emergency room.  Shortly after arriving at the hospital, I began hemorrhaging.  It turned out that I was in full labor.  It was determined that our baby, though not growing, was in the pregnancy sac which had been attached to the lining of my stomach for the last several months.  Our baby was born with no distinguishable features and no distinguishable limbs, but our baby, nonetheless. The doctor showed me the baby and asked if I knew what “it” was.  Of course, I did! He went and got Eddie and had both of us look, but not hold, him/her.  The baby was then placed in a bag that read “pathology” and given to the nurse who exited the room.   That was it.  The doctor then returned to what would be the next steps for me. After I was stable, I was sent home to spend a week in bed.  In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God tells us that His grace is sufficient, and that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  I can tell you that I walked out of the hospital that day under HIS strength, not my own. It was God who gave us comfort.  He is merciful. He is faithful.  In February 1988, we had a healthy baby girl.  However, in March of 1990, I miscarried again.  I had not even seen the doctor for my first appointment.  I remember lying on the couch with a box of Kleenex and crying for hours as I watched a telethon to raise money to help children with disabilities.  However, 16 months later, we had another beautiful baby girl.  In Isaiah 43:10, God says, “…I will strengthen you.  I will give you help.  I WILL HOLD ON TO YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND.”  Wow! What a promise!  I know God was holding on to me as I grieved the loss of our babies and as I rejoiced at the birth of our girls.  He wants to hold on to you, too.  Let Him.

A Story of Hope Week 2: Trust Him

Once again, this weeks story is someone very close to me! I am so thankful for her sharing her story! TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART! 

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My relationship with the Lord started very early (age 8) and cruised through teenager hood and young adult hood. I am a first born, see the world in black and white mostly, my family would call me a perfectionist. My “faith” was what was expected of me and so I obeyed and believed more because that’s what was right than because I loved and trusted God. God would use my miscarriages to expose my heart. 

I married my high school sweetheart and we easily grew our family to 5 within 7 years of marriage. My first 3 pregnancies were easily conceived, easily carried, and easily delivered. But my fourth pregnancy would rock my world. I assumed that the fourth time around would go just as the first 3 had gone. Until one day, 14 weeks in, I miscarried. I was shocked and devastated. I immediately got pregnant again, one cycle later, and at 11 weeks, lost that baby too. At this point, the crack in the foundation of my faith became an avalanche. I had never in my life prayed for something the way I prayed for those 11 weeks. I simply could not understand why God would give us a child to take it away. People tried to comfort me with platitudes like “God was protecting you” or it was a blessing because “something might have been wrong” (really?) Then I immediately got pregnant again, on the very next cycle. This time I was under the care of the physicians at ART. And nothing looked good on ultrasound or testing. I spent the first 14 weeks seeing a doctor every week that prepared me for the worst, once even asking me if I wanted to just abort and try again.  It wasn’t until my 20 week appt that they finally gave me hope that this baby might live. And live he did, after 3 girls, we finally had a beautiful baby boy. 

I had my baby, but my faith was in shambles. How did God refuse my other prayers? How can I love a God who takes away what he gives? This was a side of God and a side of me that I had never experienced before. And so I froze. I didn’t quit believing: I believed. Never doubted really, that God was God. That he was who he said he was. That I was a sinner, in need of a savior and that savior is Jesus. But I froze- I quit praying, I quit searching, I quit trying to interact with God because now I knew He can and will hurt me. And I told no one. But living that way wasn’t sustainable. I finally opened up to my husband. And I read a few books. And I finally heard God’s voice- and this is what I hear: “Do you trust me? Am I your God even if I hurt you and don’t make sense to you?” My husband said to me that God cares so much about my soul and my eternity, that He is willing to sacrifice my comfort and expectations here in this life for the eternal. And that’s when it clicked for me- all of this was my moment to choose- am I going to trust Him, no matter what, or not? 

My faith is no longer just because it’s right. I know the One who loves my babies more than I do. He holds my babies in heaven while I hold the ones here. I know the One who loves me more than I love Him. Who loved me so much, he let me walk through this pain just so I would draw closer to Him and solidify my faith to be borne out of love and not obligation. 

I don’t know how God is trying to get your attention. But I do know that He is working in any situation in your life, good or bad, to draw you to Him. He loves you that much. Trust Him. No matter what, trust Him. Even when it’s hard. Even when it doesn’t make sense. Even when it hurts. Because He is the best thing. Better than anything this life holds for us. Even our children. 

A Story of Hope Week 1: Glory to God through the Storm

This week's post is a little different. Today I am sharing a story of someone near and dear to my heart! AKA My birthday twin (cousin)! I hope you'll take the time to read her story of loss, faith, and encouragement. -Katey 

Glory to God through the Storm:

Hi friends! My name is LeighAnn and this is my story of sorrow and loss that God redeemed and made even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. 

In 2016 my husband and I had been married for four years and at the beginning of the year I had this burning desire inside of me to become a mom! I prayed and I prayed and I knew that God was calling me to motherhood. You should know that I am a youth pastor and had been for many years when I felt this calling into motherhood and if you have ever taken a strengths finder test then you will understand me when I say positivity is my number 1 trait. I had so much hope and joy in my heart when I finally approached my husband and began asking him when we could begin trying for our first baby. 

Three months into trying and after returning home from a mission week in Mobile with my church kids I got the positive test!! YES! SO SO SO EXCITED I called my mom and my friend Barbie and shared the news with them. That afternoon I ended up buying two more tests to “be sure” and when they were positive I went to the store to buy a gift to share with my husband. I was so so sure, full of hope, and we were going to be parents! THANK YOU JESUS! 

Shortly after finding out we were pregnant I called the doctors office where I had had my annual the year before and the office where my sister-in-law went. They scheduled me for an ultrasound and a blood draw the next week. Let me just stop here to say that I had NEVER had my blood drawn before and at 28 years old the only thing I was afraid of was the needle. Not the ultrasound. My husband joined me and we held hands as the tech found 2 little sacs! SAY WHAT!!! However, when we saw the nurse practitioner she explained that they saw the sacs and one fetal pole but that it was too “early” to detect a heartbeat. I was 7 weeks at the time of my first appointment according to my last period. 

We were scheduled to comeback on August 31st but for some reason my husband wasn’t able to join me that morning. I had had a little cramping and just felt off but google suggested it was my ligaments stretching so I didn’t have any worries. I had been at my friend DeeDee’s house that week and she told me that it didn’t sound right and she would call her son that is an OB if I wanted but the miss positivity that I am didn’t think anything of it. At my appointment I was 9 weeks and when the tech couldn’t find a heartbeat this time my heart sank. It broke, but I didn’t really understand. The fetal pole and one sac was still there. The tech wouldn’t tell me anything and said my practitioner would have to talk to me. I waited in the lobby of the office for a whole hour after that waiting to see the practitioner. 

That was the loneliest hour of my life-one pregnant mama after another was called back after I waited and waited. Sure I had heard of miscarriage but I never thought in a million years that it would be me. Honestly, I just didn’t comprehend what was happening. When I finally saw the practitioner all she said was that “it wasn’t looking good.” She never used the word miscarriage and said that they would do a series of blood draws the following week on Monday and Wednesday to check my HCG levels. 

I had to wait what seemed like forever in a limbo-I had announced my pregnancy on Facebook already and 635 likes later it seemed like the whole world was celebrating too. I had two little pepperoni’s on this teeny pizza to represent our possible twin pregnancy! It was so joyous-but then again-miscarriage wasn’t something that had even crossed my mind-to me this pregnancy was the pinnacle of all I had ever hoped, dreamed, endured. All of the pain that I had ever experienced would be wiped away by becoming a mother- I seriously prayed out loud over and over-God protect my baby-give my baby life! 

Then Labor Day- literally- I work for a teen ministry and we have our biggest event of the year-I was the second in command for the weekend and my boss was so gracious- he offered for me to stay home- to rest- but y’all, I am no quitter. I thought if I stayed home then the enemy would win! We packed everything up and to Anniston, AL we went as a team. I was expecting a phone call from the doctors office about my blood results and it never came. For 4 whole days I ministered to students who were so so excited about my pregnancy because you know, I had already told the whole world. I was drained mentally and physically. My body still felt pregnant, the nausea was so strong… Then, Jonathan and Lisa Moore, our worship leaders for the weekend sang the song “No Longer Slaves” by Zach Williams. No worship song has ever pierced my heart so deeply. Am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant? What is happening to my body? It didn’t matter- I am a CHILD of God! I am not afraid-God is carrying me. 

It wasn’t until Tuesday afternoon that I finally got the call from the doctor’s office. She said that my numbers were declining slowly. She also said that perhaps the other “sac” on the ultrasound was a possible subchorionic hemorrhage. She said that I could come in for a followup visit if I wanted to. That was it y’all! I had no idea what was what-what was supposed to happen. Then nothing did happen. A week passed and nothing. At this point I should have been 11 weeks pregnant. I remembered what DeeDee had said and I called her crying one afternoon. She prayed for me and called her son. 

I switched to his office and Leo and I went in for an ultrasound around 12 weeks to see what was going on. In his office he zoomed in on the ultrasound and explained that I was experiencing a missed miscarriage (abortion is the medical term they give to this) and my body was holding onto the fetal tissue and why I was still experiencing the nausea and pregnancy symptoms. The next week he had me scheduled for a D&C. 

So in a matter of weeks, the 28 year old woman who had never given blood was prepped for her first surgery to remove the remains of my precious child that I would never know this side of heaven. I was devastated yet prayerful. On September 14th my parents drove to Columbus to be with me and my husband during the surgery. My Daddy held me and prayed for me before they took me back. I remember waking up and telling all of the nursing staff just how great God was. I was sooooo terrified and heartbroken but God carried me through the surgery. 

The months that followed were some of the darkest months of my life. Thoughts of “will I ever be a mom” to “God why did you give me this” to “This happened to me because I did this thing” attacks of the enemy- postpartum hormones. ALL of it swirling in me. I would work with my ministry kids until I was exhausted everyday and come home and sleep. One dark night I remember just feeling like God had abandoned me- this was in November and I felt that God wasn’t there. I downloaded the song “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott. It was on repeat- all of the things she shares pierced my heart. Sobbing and sobbing I cried out over and over to God to carry me. True heartbreak is what I experienced. My husband came home to find me inconsolable. He just held me. Something about that “dark night” helped me move forward. I decided that my sweet baby was a little boy and I named him Riley James. I would see him when I get to heaven and we would rejoice. I still didn’t know what the future held but I was praying for a Christmas miracle. 

I finally got my period back in November and the doctor said that we could start trying again whenever I wanted so we did. On December 20th 2016 I found that that I was pregnant. I had charted my cycles using my ovia app and the first day I could test I did. I was pregnant! I was TERRIFIED! What! Elated, terrified, all of it!! I woke my husband and shared with him the news. We were leaving for New York City for Christmas and I had to tell my family. I called them to tell them and my parents shared with me that this baby was my John 3:17 baby. “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” 

You see, pregnancy after miscarriage is HARD! Yes there is joy, but for me, fear, worry, and uncertainty creeped in. God is good, but that didn’t mean that I would get to keep this new baby. I know that this isn’t what a “youth pastor” should say and I was so embarrassed of my feelings at the time.  I want to be totally transparent with you though. Trusting, positive LeighAnn had been injured in the process of the previous season and I was still wounded, scared and didn’t know what to expect this time around. They saw the heartbeat at 7 weeks and I cried tears of joy while holding my husband’s hand so tightly. Then the next week I started spotting. 

I was set to go on a weekend retreat with my church and the doctor that I saw when I started spotting put me on bedrest for the week until I could see my doctor again. My Dad drove up and we went through the drive thru brusters! It was a small thing but the best thing for this scared girls heart… He repeated John 3:17 over me over and over. God had me and this sweet baby. When I saw my doctor again they did another ultrasound and everything looked great. I would like to say that my worry stopped there but every new pain and new trimester would bring on a new fear. I didn’t breathe again until our sweet and sassy Emersyn Mavis DiCesaris was born only a day after her due date August 28, 2017. She is my rainbow baby. God is good no matter the storm and I know that His heart breaks right along side of us. He is right there carrying us mamas through this broken world. He is holding you through whatever storm you are experiencing. Having little Emersyn wasn’t the end of my story, only the beginning. Since 2017 I have had another miscarriage and one healthy baby boy in 2019. I have two sweet little babes in the arms of Jesus right now. There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of them. Riley James and Emily Rose. Growing with Jesus and waiting for their mama and daddy to be with them one day. I have two crosses in my office that I see everyday that reminds me of them from my precious coworker. 

The good that came out of the ugly was that God sends us people. People that are the extension of Him. People that radiate His glory and hold us up. Prayer warriors, loved ones who would call and check in, loved ones who would go out of their way to visit. God is good, all the time. He is carrying you and me. He is the hope that we cling to. For He didn’t come to condemn the world, but to save the world. God sees you, He hears you, God’s plans are for you. Goodness is in store.   

Love and prayers for you dear ones. 

LeighAnn DiCesaris 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month - You Are Not Alone

Happy Wednesday! 

So if you have seen my Instagram stories you know that this month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (along with my another causes). I will be doing something different for the next few weeks posts. I will be sharing other women's stories of loss, how they made it through the hard times, and their encouragement for others. 

Today is about facts: 

On October 25th, 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

1 in 4 women will lose a baby during pregnancy, delivery, or infancy. 

Chemical pregnancies account for 50% of miscarriages. 

70 babies will be born still today. 

1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth. 

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. 

Statistics from: starlegacyfoundation.org 

If you've been through miscarriage or loss, please know you are not alone. If you have the time, please listen to this amazing podcast with Sadie Robertson and Max Lucado discussing life questions and his newest book You Are Never Alone. A friend sent this link to me earlier this week and it was just what I needed. I just order this book earlier this week and it is set to arrive at the house today and I cannot wait to start reading it, especially after listening to this podcast. 

My favorite part of the podcast is when Max Lucado talks about the story of how Jesus had breakfast with them after the resurrection on the shore, and Jesus ask Peter three times, "Do you love me?" Right before the resurrection, Peter had denied Jesus three times. Sadie adds the comment of how she asks many times if God loves her? I was like wow, that's how I have felt many times throughout this journey- feeling unloved, not worthy. Of course, God loves us! He sent His Son to die for us!  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cqw0Qno0Io 

Dear God, 

I pray for the couples, men and women, that have suffered loss. I pray that you would remind them that they are not alone. You are with, Lord, and many others who share the same story. I pray for strength, hope, guidance, love, and many other things for the ones facing this hard time right now. Comfort them Lord, and just wrap your arms around them. Help them to see you not only in the good times, but in the hard times too. Lord, I thank you for our supportive family and friends. Otherwise we wouldn't have made it through! I pray Lord, that others have people they can talk to and relate too, someone to be a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. I pray for the ones of us that continue on our fertility journey, that you would help us to make the right decisions at the right time. 

In Jesus Name, Amen.