The Final Part of Our IVF Journey

 

Thursday July 22: 

We left for Birmingham around 8:15, and got to Brookwood around 9:35. We had to be at the ART clinic at 9:45. Right after we arrive they go ahead and take us back. I change into procedure attire, get my IV put in, and go over all paperwork, etc. 

Here is a picture of us while waiting! Our appointment was at 10:45, but I probably didn't go back until around 11:15ish. The last thing I remember was the doctor telling me he was going to take good care of me, and then I woke up in recovery! I woke up in recovery to find out that they retrieved 18, yes you read that right, 18 eggs! Brandon stops on the way home to get me chickfila, and I spend the rest of the afternoon/night napping on and off, and relaxing! Tomorrow we will find out how many of the eggs were mature and how many fertilized! I cannot wait to get the results! Our plan is still to transfer on Tuesday! 

Friday July 23: 

Dear God, 

I am in awe Lord! You continue to amaze us with your mighty power for each step of this process. We thank you Lord so much for the ability to make it through this process and for keeping your hand on us each step of the way! I pray that we have at least 50% back it to day 5, Lord! We can't wait to meet our precious child that you will gift us with one day! We love you, and again praise you for the good report because it was only possibly through you! AMEN 

10 eggs fertilized!! We won't know how many made it to day 5 until Tuesday when we go in for our fresh transfer! 

Tuesday, July 27:

Well, I turned 30 over the weekend, and to be honest I was miserable most of the time. Ever since the retrieval, I haven't felt like myself. I took two naps on my birthday, which tells you I didn't feel good. 

So we get to Birmingham at 10:00. Now, before we get there I was instructed to drink approximately 28-32oz of water, and NOT go to the bathroom. If you know me well, that was difficult. We get dressed in our attire, and ready for our update! The doctor shows us two embryos that are ready for transfer. He tells us that he is not sure if any of the others that fertilized will make it to be frozen. We had already discussed the possibility of transferring two embryos, so that's what we did! 

In 9 days, we will know if we are pregnant! And possibly with twins! 

Wednesday July 28: 

Today we learned that one embryo made it to be frozen! So after this pregnancy (we are claiming it in Jesus' name), we will have the option to have another if we'd like! We are so excited about that possibility! Brandon said we might need a bigger house, but we just moved 11 months ago! 

We are just in prayer that this is working for us as we speak! That these two embryos babies are growing! 

Sunday August 1: 

Today has not been the best mentally. I am all in my head over not having any type of symptoms to show that this transfer was successful. I have had a little cramping and that is it. When we left we were basically told that cramping, spotting, and a few other things might happen but that it was completely normal. Really none of that has happened, and I don't know whether it is a good a bad thing. It made me a little emotional at church while we were singing this song: 

Goodness of God

Then in the sermon, I felt some affirmation for sharing our journey and that is was for a purpose. We have been going through a series called Stages. In the last one today, it was about how we all die physically, and what are we doing now to finish the race that God has called us to start and finish. Pastor Daniel talked about how we should be sharing our testimonies and stories in order to help others through their tough times. We don't know what kind of impact we can make until we share! 

One of my favorite verses was shared: 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you. I have shared this statement many times because this note is written in my Bible right beside that verse: PRAYER EXCHANGES ANXIETY FOR PEACE!    

Dear God, 

I pray that you would take my anxiety right now. Just lift it from me because it is too heavy for me to carry right now! I can't handle it, and it makes me emotional thinking about all of this! We know you are the ultimate miracle worker Lord, and we pray that we see a miracle done in your name on Thursday Lord! That we would be able to see a positive, but if not Lord, help us to love you. Thank you for loving us when we fall short! Amen

Tuesday August 3: 

I thought Sunday was rough, but yesterday was a terrible day (really more of the afternoon). I had an absolute mental breakdown. I couldn't hold back the tears. I cried that morning, cried that afternoon, and balled after we got home from dinner. I told Brandon about a nightmare I had the previous night, regarding everything we are going through, and that I am just exhausted. I am tired. I am tired of taking medicine all the time. I am tired of the shots. I am tired of being strong when I am not. I'm tired of being let down over and over again. I am tired of having to be the one to tell Brandon news each and every time. I am tired of going to family events and being the only one without a kid to chase around. I am tired of feeling like I am the only one not pregnant. I am tired. And I know what most will say, Katey don't give up yet, God's timing is perfect. While, I believe God's timing is perfect, I don't understand why it couldn't have been all these past times! 

Every night, Brandon and I have been praying together. Trying our hardest to fight this in prayer. God knows the desires of our hearts and we continue to pray that this anxious feeling leaves us, and that this is God's plan and timing for this to happen in our lives. Brandon was so positive as I was having this breakdown yesterday! He knows all these feelings have just overwhelmed me over the past few days, and I am so thankful he continues to check on me, and is staying positive. Because in all honesty, I am having a hard time. 

Dear God, 

I pray again, just for all anxiety and negative thoughts to be taken away. They are not from you Lord, and I know you are in control. Help us to keep being positive as we await results day on Thursday. I pray for others that are in similar situations Lord. I pray that they can be strong. I pray they rely on you too. Thank you for the reminder that Your goodness is chasing after us daily! Help us to completely surrender! Amen

Thursday August 5; 

Today was beta day. Today was the worst day. Today my HCG was a 0 with no chance of rising. Today we officially lost our two embabies. We are heart broken. We have no exact plan of what is next. We just know we have an appointment on September 20th with the doctor for a follow-up and to discuss what's next. 

We don't understand why it was not in God's plan at this time. We don't understand why He provided the necessities for us to get through all of this, have great numbers, just for it to fail. We know there is a purpose, but we are honestly tired of trying to find it. 

I just ask that you continue to pray for us as we navigate through this pain. Please be in prayer as I return to school soon just to see every single day what we do not have. We want to thank you all for your love and support through our IVF journey, but this part has officially come to a close. This is not us giving up, but more of us just taking a break! God is good even during this hard time, I just pray the desires of our hearts will be met soon! 

Friday August 6; 

Brandon took the day off today so we could spend time together just the two of us! We ran errands, had a lunch date, and just were able to really talk over what had just happened. We talked about how this next month in a half really needed to be a rest period for us. This process took over my whole summer. We didn't plan a vacation or anything to really do because we knew we had all of this going on. So a break from the infertility world for the next month and half will hopefully be restful! 

Dear God, Please help us to find rest and peace in You. We do not understand why everything was provided for this process to work with no result. I pray that we would just be comforted by You. That you'd give us the strength to make it as our hearts desires have been delayed for some reason. We love you Lord, but it is just so hard to wrap our heads around everything. We lift up other couples that are having the same struggles, other couples that are in the same season, and pray that you'd be with them also. Amen 

Saturday August 7;

Friday and Saturday have been a little better. I haven't cried as much. 

Luckily, I was able to see my two best friends over these past two days! Friday night we went to a JoDee Messina concert in Birmingham and man, she took us to church. I loved her music growing up, but man she sang her hit songs, and Child of Love, My Jesus, and Reckless Love - it was so powerful! I was grateful for a night out with friends to get my mind off of things! 

As I write this, I am not sure when we will actually share this post. Do we share right away to go ahead and get the comments/questions over with? Do we give ourselves more time to process? Do we just hurt alone with the handful of people we've told? 

We've said all this, but I am going to type it again because this is what keeps going through my head: We aren't sure what God is up to in our story! From the beginning when we decided to go through IVF we thought it was what God wanted us to do. He made a way! Everything was provided. But what happened? I don't know that we will ever understand. 

Sunday August 8; 

This morning I had a coworker send me Praise You in the Storm and just remind me that we don't understand the WHY, but our prayers just delayed not denied. 

I was also reminded at church that even though our hurt seems lonely and so big right now, we are not the only ones going through hurt, disappointment, or trials, suffering. This makes me question if we have just been too selfish in our prayers throughout this journey. We have made the past 4 years a lot about our fertility journey instead of making it about our journey with God. So I think a new mindset will be in order for whatever part comes next! I am so thankful for our mentor groups at church that are about to kick off! I really believe it is going to make a great impact on our lives and walk with Christ. 

If you have a prayer request that you need prayer over, I would love to pray for y'all like you all have done for me and Brandon. Fill out this google form and I'll add you to my personal prayer list.  Prayer Request Form 

We decided to go ahead and share the blog today! I am not sure when the next blog will come, but don't worry we will keep all of you updated as we proceed in our journey with God, Infertility, and Life!  As always thank you for all the love and prayers! Love, Katey